Henry Rollins knows exactly what a woman wants. And he’s here to tell you just how to give it to her.
Books have been written, ads have been taken out. It has been discussed to exhaustion on talk shows. Whole careers have been built on its definition and pursuit. The female orgasm is one of the world’s most elusive treasures.
There are men out there who think that women don’t mind if they don’t reach orgasm during sex. This philosophy probably dates back to the beginning of time and is hopelessly tangled in a bullshit moralistic-religious quagmire, where the man’s orgasm was used for procreation and deemed okay with God and a woman’s climax was the stuff of pure, decadent sin. For a woman to desire was a big no-no. For a woman to enjoy sex was *unthinkable*. (Imagine a sex encounter where you didn’t come. Imagine two. Imagine a life of it. Ladies and gentlemen, it is my pleasure to introduce Nancy Reagan.)
Q: How can you tell if a woman’s had an orgasm?
A: Who cares?
That’s supposed to be a joke. But flat out, there are men who just don’t give a damn if a woman comes or not. The feel that a vagina is the place they hang their jimmy hat and that’s the end of the sex talk for today, thank you. Ask them to show some sensitivity and they’ll tell you that they are real men and sensitivity is for pussies. (Perhaps if these guys understood pussies better, they might get closer to more of them.) Maybe they’re really afraid. Maybe they’re not the studs they think they are. Maybe all this time she’s been faking her orgasms.
When men are negated sexually, when there is even a hint that their sexual orientation, potency, or proficiency might be challenged or in doubt, many go berserk. No understanding, no humor, nothing but pure rage. Fightin’ words with no filler. Women have been quietly coping with being rendered nonexistent in relationships for centuries. Look at all the trouble Mary had to go through. Never had sex and then a mandate from Heaven gets her knocked up. And she didn’t even get to get off! Bearing the Christ child was a consolation prize for her frustration and misery. Mary didn’t have any real power; she just got spiritually boned.
These days, women can run power trips to a certain degree. After all, they have what men want. (The extent to which men have gone to get it is legendary, and the conquest can be frightening in its violent fury.) Women can withhold sex, give it out in limited quantities, use it for barter, whatever. But even when they agree to give it up, there’s no guarantee that their designated driver will be able to take them to their final destination.
That’s because women got handed the raw deal biologically. By nature and by design, women are the recipients, the sometimes passive and too often victimized partner in sex. For women, it’s all incoming; they get it done to them. They get pounded; they become worse for the wear and tear. They get used. Men can rock the house with impunity. Well almost. Since modern women have been told that an orgasm is their divine, liberated birthright, they can use it as an emotional weapon in the battle of the sexes. And they can use it to hold men to new performance standards. Standards that may require learning new acrobatic skills, endurance training, and mind control.
During sex, the man will often concentrate on things other than what is in front of him in order to stretch out the time before he comes. He did all this work to get with her, and once there, immediately and with all the concentration he can muster, he has to distance himself as much as he can from enjoying the very thing he’s after by desperately trying not to think about it at all.
The friction is perfect. She’s doing everything she can to have an orgasm and he’s doing everything he can not to. I can remember times when a woman’s nails have been digging into my skin and I was urgently multiplying numbers, thinking of what to get at the grocery store - you name it.
Another thing about abstract thinking during sex: When a man goes down on a woman, he’s all alone down there, and his mind can often stray. But in minute seven he’s going for choreography: one-two-three right, LUNGE! For a lot of the time during sex, we men are changing the subject, and sometimes we’re not even there. No wonder women can be so mean. This is partly due to how the parts work. Men can easily come via intercourse. All they’ve got to do is pretty much show up. For a woman that’s not always the case. Most guys know this, and they know what they have to do to get the woman off. What is pleasurable for her, however, may turn out to be work for him. So there is often pressure for a woman to climax on demand; sometimes she is made to feel that she is being done some great big favor just because the man is applying himself to her: *Okay, I’m doing my part. Your time is NOW!*
An offshoot of that - and this is a crime - is that the woman is ashamed. Ashamed of what she wants and how she wants to feel. Some women are ashamed of the nature of their genitalia’s anatomy, not necessarily from a feeling of inadequacy, but because of its design and what it does. I remember once being with a woman and moving from her breasts to her midsection when she suddenly went absolutely rigid. I abandoned my southerly route, went straight north, and asked what the matter was. She told me that a guy had once told her that women were dirty and men didn’t like going down on them, and it had stuck with her. It took me a while to turn that one around.
Sometimes a woman might have a problem letting her partner know what she wants. A woman might be equally surprised at how willing the man is to accommodate her once he has been told. I’m not taking sides, but if a woman doesn’t tell a guy what the problem is, then in the man’s mind the problem might not exist.
And then there are those men out there who go after a woman’s orgasm as if they’re on a mission to bring back the Holy Grail. For them it’s not so much about being a partner in a sexual encounter as it’s about winning that trophy orgasm. Just another play - off game. It gives them something to brag about; it makes them feel confident. And with the pleasure can come the debt: *I made you come; what are you going to do for me? Tell me how amazing I was at making you feel great.*
Wise up. To manipulate a James Brown lyric, It’s up to the guys to use what they’ve got to help her get just what she wants. A real man knows this. A real man knows that giving her an orgasm is proof that you’re a real lover. If you can’t make a woman come somehow, see it as a shortcoming in yourself. And deal with it.
hey girl, i got your letter and i am working on response as we speak. i'm going to be sending you a book. idk if you've read it, but i hope you haven't because i think you would really like it. it's a surprise. haha. but you'll get it soon.
Glad to hear it! I’m always concerned that I somehow send my letters off to nowhere.
:))) I await the arrival of this book. Much anticipationnnn.
There’s never enough time, never enough time. We don’t have all the hands we need - not enough you’s or me’s to be all the places that we want to. There’s never enough time, never enough time. I’ll siphon these anxieties onto to-do lists and fidgets and things and things and things…
“I can never read all the books I want; I can never be all the people I want and live all the lives I want. I can never train myself in all the skills I want. And why do I want? I want to live and feel all the shades, tones and variations of mental and physical experience possible in life. And I am horribly limited.”—Sylvia Plath (via kari-shma)
“There is a clear double standard when it comes to men, women, and hair removal. Now, perhaps you think shaving and waxing is a vapid issue to bring up, considering the more serious double standards of pay inequity, sexuality, and the like. But the fact is, spending the better part of your life having to shave huge areas of your body just to be considered not disgusting is a big deal.”—Jessica Valenti, He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know (via fmnst)
I need to start doing the things I want to do. I need to go to the places I want to be. I’ve never been so antsy in my life.
Monetary restrictions are the worst, and most aggravating, excuse for standing still. How is it that the numbers in my bank account can make me feel so weak, when they don’t mean a thing? They don’t add up to a damn thing.
Last month, after an upsetting phone conversation with her estranged husband, Ms. Taylor became light-headed and fell down a flight of stairs in her home. Paramedics rushed to the scene and ultimately declared her healthy. However, since she was pregnant with her third child at the time, Taylor thought it would be best to be seen at the local ER to make sure her fetus was unharmed.
That’s when things got really bad and really crazy. Alone, distraught, and frightened, Taylor confided in the nurse treating her that she hadn’t always been sure she’d wanted this baby, now that she was single and unemployed. She’d considered both adoption and abortion before ultimately deciding to keep the child. The nurse then summoned a doctor, who questioned her further about her thoughts on ending the pregnancy. Next thing Taylor knew, she was being arrested for attempted feticide. Apparently the nurse and doctor thought that Taylor threw herself down the stairs on purpose.
Arrested because she went to the doctor to be sure everything was okay. What. The. Flying. Fuck.
Oh for fuck’s sake! Was the doctor a psychologist or psychiatrist? If not, they had NO place making any assumptions about the woman’s mental state or her motives. She should have been recommended to a social worker to talk about what was going on, and then someone TRAINED IN MENTAL HEALTH would be able to see that she was just stressed and had made an informed choice to keep the pregnancy after looking at her options, and then happened to fall down the stairs after a stressful situation.
If she really wanted to hurt the fetus, she wouldnt have gone to the doctor. Duh.
Oh my gob….the rage….THE RAGE!
Can’t believe that things like this are actually happening.
No words are coming to mind aside from despicable, and it’s just not harsh enough.